I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
