Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
two words: eviction party
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
