WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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