Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
