went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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