Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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