just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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