he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
