I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
