The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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