There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
