If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
