my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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