Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
