Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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