you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
