this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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