I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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