I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize