my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
