The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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