Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize