there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
