How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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