I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
did i just pee glitter
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
