it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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