We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
