Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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