you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
