remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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