so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
