Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
