By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
