Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize