Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize