he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This is my gift to your gina
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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