My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
