I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i would one night stand the shit outta him
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
