Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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