I am midnight drunk by noon
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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