Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Sober January is a disaster.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
