Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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