it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
