that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
