my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
