I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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