Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
