Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
even my farts smell like vagina
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
