If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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