She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize