I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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