Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize