is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
