My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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