Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize