Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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