how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize